2 weeks in ''singlehood'' mode

i am a human people ..... no emotion means we are robot but emotions with the control is the element that im struggling with ....

i may sounds or acts like a ''junkies'' when i got through the weeks . 2 weeks ago i blogged on how i started to stay in miri with the mindset of singlehood. i did failed to maintain it. i fall in the middle. i cried a lot. loneliness and desperation attacked my mind which extend the blood vein in my heart. it almost exploded.

this is not because im too crazy of a guy or too damn in love with a guy. i have an issue, easily emotional attached and desperation of attention. as sarah barreiliss song say , '' im the queen of the attention of details''. this problem caused another problem. its affected other people around me. i do not want anyone hurts because of my problem.

a friend of mine, said '' kumbang bukan seekor'' ... hehe ... which is very true but dats not my problem gang, i can have any guy i want on just a second but i want to learn to do and enjoy this world with my own view and effort before im ready to love again.

love should be patient, no envy, no jealous and no pain. this is what im targeting. how ? i have to love myself first then i can love other people without emotion destruction.

when i fall again during the process, God intervened. He reminded me '' HE IS FAITHFULL'' . this coming sunday, i will be leading the praise and worship at church, i personally choose a song by christ tomlin, 'forever' .... the chorus part said '' FOREVER GOD IS FAITHFUL, FOREVERY GOD IS STRONG'' ... i cant stand in this world in this circumstances all alone.. i need God to intervene. im learning to empty my mind by hearing to God more.. its hard but im tring my best.

well, enough of my ''preaching'' , none of you would understand but i know someday somewhere, you want it the way i want it too..

i celebrated my valentines day with my cousin and his wife, we went for kfc dinner ..... soooo classic . for my birthday, it was humble enough to have my home 'tapau' dinner with my families and a cheesecake bought by daddy.

the few days later, my church members did celebrate it too by bringing me for dinner .. food food food ... asian and their food just like the italian too .....
* bowling pose .... i won best dress for the event ... funny

* my fav cousin's wife... our vals day dinner. my first time wearing pink all the way

* my cousin and his wife...... loving this two couples....... i usually feels better everytime im with them

* our hands with the love sticks i got for AYC ... this was during my dinnver bday with the chuch member

* my angelina jolie's style .... lol bday at home

* my dad was preparing the cake while watching by my hungry sisters
* mommy had fun

day 1 of loneliness (wednesday, 9th feb 2011, 6.20pm, LCCT)

* took it after landing at miri airport, 9th feb 2011

to be informed, i may be lose counting of the days but lets start with one sweet evening.

this is the decision i made to myself (march 2010- recent), i dont want any rebound or any alternatives or any replacement while my relationship with victor is facing long distance. i may failed and you laugh at my failure in facing it but i believe God is never fade up with me.

it has been 10 years, i date, ''divorced'', ''widow'', ''complicated'' or what-so-ever relationship with boys, ive been skipping , jumping and being in (#just saying all those exaggerated term). not comfortable enough to discussed how my past 10 years life was but will share with you all how i will overcome my own choice not to be like pri-10-years-ago.

i got my a$$ back to read more books, for now i have about 4 books to read, fictions and motivational types of genre. Happened to be , i have elizabeth gilbert's best book called ''eat, pray, love'' which a story of her getting her life back as how i am now as a gfit from my lovely victor and his friends . i would explained more of my view on the book in my other upcoming blog.





this book is one of the factors lead to my decision about no more rebound or alternatives in relationship. i read it for one and a half years, finished it up on tuesday, 8th feb 2011, 11pm. it just me, whenever i feel like not ready to read it, i would stop at certain chapter. i cant force my understanding just to finish up the book reading race. i note each of the point in the book with a thoughtful view then i enjoy the true meaning of reading.










victor got me smart phone, Samsung galaxy S. its just for me to keep browsing, twitting or blogging while facing LDR and jobless life. loving the phone to the max. im still learning to fully utilize the phone. thanks love for your marvelous gift



















* just a picture i took while in the fast train heading to LCCT

besides the technology and materialistic way to overcome it, i decided to more observance and friendly. im not friendly. i refused to talk to strangers or start any conversation with any new people i meet. i believe, the more i observed the more i enjoy the beauty of life then share it in my blog then blessed the reader (yes, YOU!)

after 3 weeks away from home, i feel a bit relief after all the stresses i faced. as i was heading back to miri from kuala lumpur,using air asia, i found out a lot of things. i walked aimlessly towards P8 gate, seeing a lot of people sitting at the bench waitting for the miri flight. i was just wondering, are they following me ? why on earth, people is heading to miri at this time of the month? seems like airplane never get empty.

with my watery eyes (saying goodbye is the hardest thing) and my fringe disturbing my sight, i saw a men sitting eating nasi lemak. well, im hungry so lets try some west malaysia dish before im back to my east malaysia food style. instead of trying the nasi lemak, i got myself, UNCLE D WRAP meal set as it was suggested by the cashier. goodness, the wrap is superb nice. i complimented the food to the cashier which happened to be the owner of the stall. from there, we started to talk business conversation. she was asking me on how to expand her stall. well, as im majored in all this, i suggested some ideas and informed her about sarawak market on F&B. in the end she gave me her business card if i ever found anyone who interested to franchise her business. we shall see, it might be me ............................. :P

i took a picture of air asia plane' wing ( i dont know name of aeroplane compartment ok). i was a bit shaken after realised the is a burn up mark on the wing but well i slept off like an hour 25 min with no fear of death while flying with air asia. i love sky






forgot to mentioned, i cried my heart out when victor and co dropped me at the departure lane, it took him 30 mins to calm me down. we were just sitting and talking and joking untill im ready to walk into the departure lane. i know i acted like a baby, so what ?! hehe wise men say ' stay with a man which treat u like a lady but make u act like a baby''

i slept off early as i reached home. home sweet home indeed. my first home in this world is in my family's arm

well, im not alone or lonely anyway ............................................ never say u r alone just because ur husband or ur wife or ur friend is not with you....................................... there is a lot of way to fill up ur leisure time

personal review on : 500 days of summer (movie)

it was 2009, i watched this movie at first. i dont really fancy the movie as the ''summer'' is very annoying but i love the director's way in producing this movie. it may looked like some low budget movie because not much of actions and not much of characters, instead, they used narrator. i never though i would watch it again. therefore, as usual, my routine, i would read some blogs, some reviews about it. there is one question from the reviewer captured my ''innocent'' attention ''why there is no continuation story about autumn?''

i didnt have the energy to watch another ''500 days of summer'' because for me, its pathetic way or most bitchy reason to leaves someone after quite sometime being together (based on summer's reason leaving tom). well, to be informed, this movie is not a love story. its talking about life in general

however, 2011, last night i watch it again and finished up the last part of the movie.

i refer myself as the 'autumn' girl . people doesnt like autumn (for the 4 season countries) because autumn is the part where most of the leaves and trees are bold..lol.. fall season.. my past life, boys always failed to recognized my charm or appreciated me . they would dump me for some stupid reason which i disagreed. or they would make me as an optional just as how summer do in the movie, tom was just an optional. i always blamed them

well, as time flies, as ive found someone i could learn to love and loved, AGAIN, i see this movie in a different ways.

in life, we cant really rely on fate alone. summer was the person who doesnt belief in fate and true love but tom is. in the end of the movie, both of them switched their belief. actually both of them is on the right track only the way the view is unstable.

when tom meet autumn, he realised, he needs to take the action with ASSURANCE. no more waitting for fate or no more miracle. all he needs to do is being open up and take the actions to make friend with autumn. if he ever just walk out the lobby without inviting autumn for a coffee, he would not see the miracle of knowing such a lovely lady like autumn. Autumn has been around him for a while because she always sight Tom at the plaza. unfortunately, Tom never been observant enough to see autumn because he was too focused on summer.

at the meantime, summer is believing, her husband is her fate because if she ever come late to the cafe or not coming to the cafe or read another book, her husband would not have approached her. it was because she was not the one taking the actions approaching the guy but she CHOOSE her own decision to stay with the guy. its all coming back to the same point with Tom new belief .

even God reminds us about death. death is awaiting but not Him to choose how and when for us to die. its all about our CHOICE of lifestyle.

years back, i never noticed victor, he was in my clas for 2 years. the 2nd year, i started to noticed him but i never have the nerves to say hi. he never approached me as well as how most of my classmate did, (hotness most wanted girl, who wouldnt approach? :P ). one day i saw him in my house, we did talk then we stopped but then in the end i started to view his fb and take my gut on the keyboard to comment on his pic. he inbox me asking about our class registration, since then till now, i never regret ''stalking'' him at uni cafe and his fb. if i never take the actions to comment on his fb pic, he would not being my friend and being a part of my life.

last year feb when i cried after knowing my ex bf which happened to be my closed friend now, left to UK for his study. he did purposely. he told me, he did his best to get me back, he came to miri, try to mingle with my friend, try to come and say hi to my parent but i didnt responded well. i never knew he was trying to straigthen up his mistake. well, it was my choice for not letting him to be a part of me anymore. if i ever choose to come back with him, i would not have any chance to know victor. i would not have the chance to graduates maybe or i would not have the chance to come back to miri as i am now.

i can go by giving a lot of thousand of stories about our action to make it looks like it is fate but its depend on u in designing ur own life with the support of our Father, Jesus.

p.s: do watch the movie before u can understand my review